


you, before me

by DecemberCamie



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Character Study, Drabble, Gen, Growing Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 23:36:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15896448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DecemberCamie/pseuds/DecemberCamie
Summary: Killua never had friends. Not friends like Gon, at least. He had side-eyed looks with Canary, a trust with Gotoh that went beyond words. Alluka was —ishis sister. That bond is different then friendship, deeper and stronger, but also the same. He loves her, but he loves Gon too.He loves Gon, too.





	you, before me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xyliane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xyliane/gifts).



_— Gon_  is made up of  specks of light. Rays of the sun, held together by gold-dusted freckles and blinding smiles, the smell of the ocean and bright laughter on the wind.

Gon is too bright, always has been. Killua didn’t know that when their lives collided like shooting stars in that dark tunnel, didn’t know that Gon’s grin would soon light the deepest shadows inside his heart. Gon was just a boy, then. A boy with a fishing rod, traveling a path parallel to Killua’s, and that was enough.

Killua doesn’t know exactly when those parallel lines collided, how that was even possible. All he knows is that somewhere between looking into caramel-honey eyes and falling asleep with spiky hair that tickled his nose, his path was no longer linear. It got tangled, wrapped up, knotted in whatever  _Gon_  was, and there was no way to untangle that thread that held them together  _—_  that  _friendship_  that burned in Killua’s lungs and veins and simmered across his too-pale skin.

Killua never had friends. Not friends like Gon, at least. He had side-eyed looks with Canary, a trust with Gotoh that went beyond words. Alluka was  _—_ _is_  his sister. That bond is different then friendship, deeper and stronger, but also the same. He loves her, but he loves Gon too.

He loves Gon, too.

And that’s why it hurt so badly to watch as Gon turned from a brilliant sun to a collapsing supernova. It hurt, to see his best and only real friend destroy himself from the inside out like he couldn’t stand to be himself anymore. Like he hated himself and didn’t want to exist, all while Killua was shouting out with a cracked voice and broken words that Gon was the only person who ever inspired him to  _live_.

It’s strange to experience heartbreak at such a young age. Killua doesn’t fully understand why bringing Alluka to save Gon breaks him as much as it erases the brick-heavy sorrow and guilt in his soul. 

_Because you love him,_  his heart whispers.  _But you can’t keep him._

And that’s how a friendship beginning in the dark ends in the light, with Gon in front of a gate that Killua can’t enter.

Gon has everything he’s ever wanted in front of him  _—_  Ging, his father, the man with the answers Gon has always dreamed of but could never touch. Killua, too, has everything he ever wanted with his sister’s smaller hand clasped in his, a purpose weighing down his shoulders and making each step lighter than the last. It’s exciting and breathless for both of them. The start and the end of an adventure, something that should chase away the darkness the past.

But it doesn’t. It doesn’t because it  _hurts,_ saying goodbye to the first person that you found on your own, a person who ended up mattering more to you than yourself. It hurts so much and Killua’s heart shakes and bleeds from the inside out because of the raw pain of it all. 

They don’t hug. They just hold each other’s eyes, and breaths, and hearts, for a few endless seconds. 

And then Gon turns, and he leaves. Killua watches him go and bites his tongue until he tastes copper, squeezes Alluka’s hand to keep himself from calling out Gon’s name one last time.

Gon is a sun of a soul. He’s bright and dazzling and brilliant, and it hurts Killua to look at him for too long.

But that doesn’t stop him from seeing Gon on the back of his eyelids every time he closes his eyes. 

**Author's Note:**

> I promised xyliane that I’d post this today and here we are! I wrote this back in March during my writing hiatus after rereading [xyliane‘s ‘From Stardust to Stars’ fic.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10942407) It broke me, inspired me, and killed me in the best way possible, and I just had to write something to get all the feels out! 
> 
> I know this is a super short fic but I really enjoyed how it turned out ^-^ thank you to anyone who reads this! Also, the title for this fic comes from the song ['Me Before You Orchestral'.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t7gF_1YJaM) It's a really beautiful piece, please listen to it if you have the time!
> 
> [[My tumblr]](https://decembercamiecherries.tumblr.com/)


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